Miss Brooke

"Her mind was theoretic, and yearned by its nature after some lofty conception of the world which might frankly include the parish of Tipton and her own rule of conduct there; she was enamoured of intensity and greatness, and rash in embracing whatever seemed to her to have those aspects; likely to seek martyrdom, to make retractions, and then incur martyrdom after all in a quarter where she had not sought it."

George Elliot, Middlemarch

Years ago I watched the end of the movie Lady Jane, with a friend of mine's girlfriend. This was in Austin, I was already preparing to leave at this time but I was still engaged with the city. I remember watching the frankly unpleasant character of Lady Jane Grey trapped in her own fanaticism and at the same time I saw her own position. If you believe how can you recant? Some years later I was chatting with someone online, it was at the time of the Columbine shootings and the other person mentioned Cassie Bernall, how she had, in the cliched phrase: "said yes." I remember replying, if you believe in God, how can you say anything else? When someone is pointing a gun at your face, how can someone deny God, if the believe? Maybe this is the easiest of martyrdoms, you either say yes or no, but deep down can you believe that your answer matters to the man holding the gun? It is only between you and your soul, and God if he exists. To deny God then is to damn yourself. Whether God exists or not, you are still damned if you deny him. Cassie Bernall may or may not have faced this situation, or uttered the words of conviction, but the situation is universal*. I think my response shocked the other party. Later I was at the 4 star theater here in San Francisco for a Chinese film festival. The film was about an official in either the Warring States period or the Spring and Autumn who sacrificed his own child to save the son of his prince who was entrusted to him. The wife of the theaters owner said to me that that was a pretty horrible decision and I thought at the time: What choice did the minister have? To betray the prince's son was to betray himself. What did it matter if he lost his only child if he was not righteous? I think sometimes I am a fanatic, that this is the mind of the fanatic. But if you believe, what other choice is there?

-update-

* In fact it seems that if anyone said these words it was Valeen Schnurr, who said it after being shot. However after her profession of fath, she managed to crawl to safety as one of the killers reloaded, which is the sort of detail which robs the story of quite a bit of its oomph, in the eyes of those who like to make uplifting semons and publish heartwarming books. At the time of the conversation though neither of us knew it hadn't happened as reported, and the point is still valid.

edited 31 Aug 2006 for Valeen Schnurr comments and spelling